Can't we all just...SQUIRREL!!!!!

For the most part, my life has been spent alone.  In my youth I had one, maybe 2 friends I regularly spent time with.  In adulthood that has pretty much mutated into females of a romantic nature, mostly just one of those at a time as well.  I just don't do "friends" very well I suppose.  Once I meet one person I enjoy being with that's plenty for me most times.  As an only child of party-every-night parents I got used to being by myself most of the time.  What that means is that I can happily sit here in my house all by my lonesome, playing games, watching TV, listening to my super-fab 80's music and not shed one tear for missing out on the company of others.  That, my friends, is a dangerous skill to have.  So, instead of giving in to that, I fight it.  So I have a ladyfriend I date and spend most every evening with, I have a lovely friend Down Under I get to Skype with a couple times a week who always makes me smile and, well, that's pretty much it.

At work, I have tried to reach out in friendship to several different people the last couple years.  Not so many years ago, in an unprecedented and exciting scenario, I had a few friends, all from work, who actually came to my house to watch football, movies and play Wii.  How quickly they disappeared when I stopped being the organizer of the group is a major de-motivator towards me wanting friends.  So now I am pickier about who I seek out and pretty much set myself in situations that are guaranteed to be short-term friendships.  That wasn't the goal going in, but now I can see the bigger picture.

That up there ^^^^, that's me in a friendship.  Once you manage to get into my heart, there is very little I would not do for you.  I'm positive, loving, encouraging, patient, open and give you all sorts of room to be yourself.  And, oh boy this "and" I work so hard at, I expect nothing back from you.  Nothing in the world hurts more in a friendship that giving so much of yourself to someone, caring so much for them, being there for them and wathcing them, after a while, drifitng away, forgetting, like nothing you did made even a little difference.  But I have to be OK with that, I can't do what I do expecting anything.  I can only give to give or what I give is tainted with my want.

While I can hear arguments from some that might read this, the truth of the matter is, in today's world, I am extremely forgettable.  The qualities I describe above as to my actions in a friendship, these are qualities people who are hurting and wounded stick to like glue.  But, once healed, encouraged, built up, they move on and, once again, I need to be OK with that as my role.  In no way am I flashy, exciting, attention-seeking.  I am quiet, funny and caring.  In a world as busy and hectic as ours, someone like me easily gets pushed to the back of one's mind.  And I have no plans on changing.  I am how I am and will not adapt to be louder and more noticable.  Instead, I will keep working to appreciate the good I can do temporarily in people's livesd while they let me and trust that the people I really would want in my life will find me and want to be with me the way I am.

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Can't we all just...SQUIRREL!!!!!

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Unknown 8:22 PM 6 comment