Friday, March 15, 2013

Can't we all just...SQUIRREL!!!!!


For the most part, my life has been spent alone.  In my youth I had one, maybe 2 friends I regularly spent time with.  In adulthood that has pretty much mutated into females of a romantic nature, mostly just one of those at a time as well.  I just don't do "friends" very well I suppose.  Once I meet one person I enjoy being with that's plenty for me most times.  As an only child of party-every-night parents I got used to being by myself most of the time.  What that means is that I can happily sit here in my house all by my lonesome, playing games, watching TV, listening to my super-fab 80's music and not shed one tear for missing out on the company of others.  That, my friends, is a dangerous skill to have.  So, instead of giving in to that, I fight it.  So I have a ladyfriend I date and spend most every evening with, I have a lovely friend Down Under I get to Skype with a couple times a week who always makes me smile and, well, that's pretty much it.


At work, I have tried to reach out in friendship to several different people the last couple years.  Not so many years ago, in an unprecedented and exciting scenario, I had a few friends, all from work, who actually came to my house to watch football, movies and play Wii.  How quickly they disappeared when I stopped being the organizer of the group is a major de-motivator towards me wanting friends.  So now I am pickier about who I seek out and pretty much set myself in situations that are guaranteed to be short-term friendships.  That wasn't the goal going in, but now I can see the bigger picture.


That up there ^^^^, that's me in a friendship.  Once you manage to get into my heart, there is very little I would not do for you.  I'm positive, loving, encouraging, patient, open and give you all sorts of room to be yourself.  And, oh boy this "and" I work so hard at, I expect nothing back from you.  Nothing in the world hurts more in a friendship that giving so much of yourself to someone, caring so much for them, being there for them and wathcing them, after a while, drifitng away, forgetting, like nothing you did made even a little difference.  But I have to be OK with that, I can't do what I do expecting anything.  I can only give to give or what I give is tainted with my want.



While I can hear arguments from some that might read this, the truth of the matter is, in today's world, I am extremely forgettable.  The qualities I describe above as to my actions in a friendship, these are qualities people who are hurting and wounded stick to like glue.  But, once healed, encouraged, built up, they move on and, once again, I need to be OK with that as my role.  In no way am I flashy, exciting, attention-seeking.  I am quiet, funny and caring.  In a world as busy and hectic as ours, someone like me easily gets pushed to the back of one's mind.  And I have no plans on changing.  I am how I am and will not adapt to be louder and more noticable.  Instead, I will keep working to appreciate the good I can do temporarily in people's livesd while they let me and trust that the people I really would want in my life will find me and want to be with me the way I am.

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Can't we all just...SQUIRREL!!!!!
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Oleh

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6 comments

Tulis comments
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March 15, 2013 at 9:32 PM

So...are you single on purpose? Because you just described a cute nerd girl's ideal husband. So you attract the birds with the broken wings, huh? And then they fly away. I have a friend like that. She hit the jackpot with a wonderful man who is such a high achiever that he is in a constant state of mild pain. She'll be his balm for life, and he'll never run out of gratitude. Would you like a partner like that?

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March 16, 2013 at 7:41 PM

Single on purpose? Only sometimes, and not currently. Happily attached with my ladyfriend. Relationships a whole other blog. Sounds like your friend has a good partnership with balance. That is hard to find. Not sure the situation would suit me particularly. Nerdy girls (and women in general) love to talk to me, share deep issues and life challenges they face, soak up the love and peace I share with them, and then run back to other guys. Story of my life with females from day one. Thankfully I have a real, quality female friend now who is frustratingly thousands of miles away but has been such a great fixture in my life. <<<Ooh, sneak preview of next blog :D

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March 19, 2013 at 12:16 PM

I felt a little sad reading the beginning of this post, but from what I read the lady in your life is a very lucky lady to have a person like you in her life. Thank you so very much for your lovely comment.

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March 20, 2013 at 8:52 PM

You are so sweet, dear. What a kind comment :)

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May 25, 2013 at 10:54 AM

NOw this post deliniated the two women. Friend and Lady friend. I get it now. I can identify with that pushed to the back thing. I am not really noticible in most circumstances. I feel so lucky to have the time with the guy I had...I think I had to have someone who was atypical himself. The gone part is tough. My gone is definitely different than the hurt you went through but the gone is the same.

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May 26, 2013 at 6:35 PM

Both very painful gones for sure. What a sweet comment.

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It would be so lovely to hear from you. I promise to respond either here or on your blog.