It was a big surprise this week when an acquaintance informed me that, while on vacation, standing atop majestic Mount Rainier, faced with a stunning vista of nature, I came to his mind. Specifically the stunning amount of rejection I have faced in my life.
In my 4th year of college, at a low point, I sat and made a list of everyone I had asked out in the 8 years previous. Keep in mind, as none ever said yes, this was also a list of everyone who had rejected me (at least romantically) in the previous 8 years. That number was 101. Painfully shy me had reached far outside his safe, warm solitude 101 times only to be pushed back in each time.
And when I did start getting acceptances, my first not coming until I was 27, I discovered whole new levels of rejection, fewer now but far more traumatic. And then more, and then more again.
And rejection of the non-romantic variety as well, the bitter cruelty of false friends, partial acceptance, tolerance. And for so long I let this exist in my life, embraced these people, gave them every benefit of every doubt, trusted them, waited for them to figure out I might be someone of value, someone worth more than what they were offering. That waiting is at an end.
It is no longer good enough for me to be tolerated, strung along, used, treated as an afterthought, judged. I will have none of it. I only want people who love me as I am, who understand what wonderful things I have to offer, understand I am a sweet, goofy, harmless, awkward, empathetic, loving, kind, funny, bottomless well of friendship and peace.
These, and only these, are the people I want in my life. And, as an introvert, trying to find them is so difficult. But it feels so necessary to me.
So, when I write my little blog endings about how much I appreciate you visiting, reading and commenting please know I do not write that to be polite or to fill space. I write it because of the warm, wonderful acceptance I have found from so many of you. It really encourages me to be more myself, to let that person out for others to see, to be bold and brave and say what is in my heart, things I would have been far too afraid to say in the past.
So, yeah, thank you so much to all of you. Being myself has been very amazing and exciting. It has led to more rejection too, and that still hurts, but the positive has far outweighed the pain. I hope that you can understand how much of a beautiful impact your words have had. The more I feel comfortable being myself with each of you, I promise the more free I will feel expressing that. But for now, big hugs will have to do :)
Scaling Mount Rejection
4/ 5Oleh Shamu Boo