Currently I have no one to vent to. My version of venting has been reposting wistful, grey-clouded posts onto my Pinboards or anywhere else I can stick them. Cries for help? No, don't want help. Cries of understanding and appreciation is more like it.
At this stage in my life, mostly due to a 3 + year relationship/battle/soul-crushing, will-ripping, esteem-robbing kick to the man parts. I focused so much on trying to make a relationship work because I fell into the trap of believing the myth of her being the Love of My Life so I stood by her no matter what, took tons of cruelty, nagging, put downs, neglect because I was "so sure" that it would all pass and she would remember we were meant to be. Well, guess what pilgrims, didn't happen. Instead I got rewarded for my patience and love with a brutal, uncaring dismissal wherein she let me know she had been being increasingly cruel to me in the hopes I would just go instead of her having to end it. Lazy, mean, heartless--After the dust settled, I was very upset and hurt but also relieved that it was over. I felt free but very damaged. I really wanted us to stay friends despite how things went but when I would visit her she would chat with other guys with me right there and our phone conversations mostly went back to this one particular dreamy fella she was into. This was maybe 2 weeks after she dumped me.
Yes, I got smart and stayed away, realizing there was nothing there for me but pain. I spent a month putting myself back together, focusing on work and swimming at the gym, and then decided to drop back into the other pool, the dating pool.
OKCupid proved fertile ground in this search finding me a lovely redhead who was balls-out brave, funny, persistent and all around impressive. We began to date and then the cracks started to show. The qualities I liked in her I began to suspect were masking something else but I ignored my instincts. Even when she lost her job and moved in with her mom. Even when she passive-aggressively emotionally blackmailed me into letting her move in here, even when she got Facebook messages from other guys indicating something was going on between them--even THEN I let it slide and took her at her word. Honestly, I was buying into maybe having a very long-term future with her when it happened. She turned dark and angry. Too much sitting around the house, too much time on her hands, hormones from hell, who knows but I finally had to ask her about it, dreading any of the possible answers. The reward for my query was an explosion of things she didn't like about me. I was immature because I wore tee shirts an read comics, I wasn't Christian enough, I was hung up on my ex'es, I was lazy. Mind you, this was coming out of nowhere with no warning. I took her back to her mom's that night.
She tried to patch things up half-heartedly insisting she still wanted us to be together. I gave it a try, seeing her here and there but my trust had been so completely broken I no longer felt much of anything towards her and her lackluster attitude towards the whole thing pretty much sealed the deal. Actually, I suppose the breaking point was her blaming me for not calling to wake her up to go do something I had planned for us. She was insistent that I accept said blame to a level that truly worried me.
So now I am trying to build up some friends in my own stupid, act-from-the-heart-put-fear-aside kind of way. And I have added a level up to the challenge because I am trying to make friends with women. I would really like a few strong females in my life that will go out and do stuff with me without having to have the pressure of the hanky panky side of things. Believe me, I plenty enjoy that aspect but for some reason its not the main thing I crave from a woman right now. Trust, acceptance, a real friend-level love--someone who looks foreward to hanging out with me. So far it doesn't seem to be going so well (and the only one surprised it me I suppose.)
I have reached out to several of the ladies at work in a very peaceful, non-horny manner to let them know I would be interested in perhaps doing something with them outside of work. So far, all I have to show for that is a 3 hour conversation I had with one of the ladies as she worked her second job as a librarian. That was a very nice visit and I really liked it but then she went cold on my afterwards out of the blue and I was just left confused.
The lady who most people on my team would consider my closest buddy finds me very entertaining, comes to visit me sometimes in my way-way back cube, laughs at my dumb jokes. But in the year and 1/2 I have known her she has never invited me out to her lunch bunch group and yes there are guys in the group so its not that and yes she has invited other members of my team so its not that. Plus, and this hold true for her and the librarian, they completely refuse to add me on Facebook. It is to the point I really wonder what it is they don't want me to see so badly on there. Its so insulting when people only see my value in such a limited capacity. I'm like a television for them at work. They turn me on when they need a laugh and completely leave me there when they go. It is hurtful and confusing that people who so seem to enjoy my company only wish for it there in that setting.
There is one among them I really feel cares about me because she has shown me thus. She is always asking how I am, especially during that horrible relationship, encouraging me, listening to me, giving me advice. We have even become sort of breakfast buddies and in the last 2 weeks I have gone with her and her friend out to lunch. And you know what, before I continue let me tell you, that is plenty for me. I am very happy with that relationship. Would I like to see her more? Of course. But I can feel the compassion and caring she has for me as she had readily demonstrated it time and again. Does it confuse me that whenever I ask her to some sort of after work activity it seems like I am asking her to drop 'em and bend over? Does that awkwardness please me, make my day better, make even a little bit of sense--nope. But that's OK. Easy problem to solve. Just stop asking.
There are 2 ladies outside of work I sometimes do things with. They are as different as night and day but they share one trait (which I went into somewhat a post or two ago)--Up until recently anyway, and this may have changed in the case of one of them, it was not me they were interested in seeing/hanging out with. I had to make sure I came up with an attractive enough event to get them to go. When I like someone, not romantically even mind you, I find whatever excuse to hang with them. Going to the laudromat? Sure sounds fun let me help you fold. Just want to go grab a slice of pie? Sure, let's do it. So, to me, the only conclusion is not a good one.
I am willing to admit I do not do the best job of selling myself because I really do not try to. I am respectful, patient, caring, concerned, attentive, giving, forgiving, funny, understanding. For some reason I think that should be enough. But it never seems to be.
--Light fixture from Madame Walker Theater
Venting (beware of whining)
4/ 5Oleh Shamu Boo